iamtheinvisiblehand

Archive for December 2012

I wrote a few months ago that I wouldn’t be reading Fifty Shades of Grey because of the bad reviews and the weak heroine. It turns out I caved and read it, although no money was spent – thank God. I found this book in a suitcase my mother had filled up with books she wanted to donate, so I figured, WTH, let’s see what the hype is all about.

Let me just start by saying that although I didn’t spend any money on it, the hours I wasted reading it are gone forever and should’ve been spent doing something else. ANYTHING else. THAT, I regret deeply.

I had no idea that this piece of c#$% was Twilight fan fiction, but then it makes sense because the whole thing, the characters, the plot, even the location, are all Twilight-based: Anastasia is basically Bella, only this time around she gets laid every 20 pages or so. Christian has Edward’s copper tousled hair. They all live in Washington state.

I don’t even know where to start so I guess I’ll just make a bullet list:

-The bad writing. I mean , the worst writing I’ve ever had to endure. I keep wondering how Ms. James managed to pull this off. Are there no editors at her publishing house? Holy c$%&. holy s*¨#$, holy f$%&, later’s babe and all sorts of similar expressions are on every single page. “Later’s, babe”?. Who talks like that?

-I never thought I’d say this, but Anastasia is worse than Bella. She keeps asking herself why this guy wants her when she is nothing. Well, if you have to ask yourself that, then you probably aren’t worth it. Did I mention she’s a 21-year old virgin who has never masturbated, calls her vagina “down there”, has an annoying “inner goddess” and although Christian has told her that he’s into inflicting pain, she manages to act surprised at the end because she felt pain. Ugh. Oh, and she supposedly never owned an email account or a computer before Christian came around. In what century has this girl been living? AND, she is willing to put up with anything this psycho does because he is just so gorgeous, something that is said over and over ad nauseam.

-Christian has a little more depth, although psychologically he makes no sense. He’s supposed to be a 27-year old billionaire, which means that he is probably a tough guy, and yet he is whiny, insecure, jealous and a stalker. Someone that insecure could never make it big in business. I mean, the whole buying out the plane seat next to her, following her to Georgia, giving her a Blackberry and a computer so he can monitor her every move, that’s just sick and I’m pretty sure it has nothing to do with him being a dom and her a sub.  

-The constant and ridiculous emails they sent to each other. Anastasia’s writing and speaking skills range from Snooki to Elizabeth Bennet in the same sentence. Who uses “avuncular” in the middle of a conversation?

-The BDSM. I’m not that knowledgeable on this subject but I’ve been told (more than once, actually) that this is a sexual preference and as such rarely reflects on people’s real lives, meaning that a sub in the bedroom is rarely a doormat in real life, and a dom is not necessarily a control freak either. So there goes the author’s research.

-These people have sex all around the place and every few pages. THIS is supposed to be the good part of the book and what has been turning women on all around the world. Let me just say that by the middle of the book I’d had enough already it was so repetitive and monotonous that I started skipping to the “substance” to see if the plot got any better. It didn’t. I can’t believe Kathy Lee and whatshername and the anchors of the Today Show actually raved about this book, saying it was a great Mother’s day gift.  Heck, even Dr. Oz had a show about how this book improved couples’ sex lives. Puh-leez.

-This stupid girl tries throughout the entire book to get to the core of his issues so she can fix him. In the process, we learn that he was abused into BDSM by an older woman when he was 15. And somehow, you never read or hear anyone criticizing this way-too-casual reference to pedophilia. Disgusting.

-Anastasia and Cristian are in an extremely abusive relationship. Stalking and wanting full control over someone is not love. Just because people prefer calling it something else or fool themselves into thinking it’s romantic doesn’t mean it isn’t abuse.

The fact that such rubbish made it to the NYT top 10 says a lot about us as a society. I mean, people can write whatever they want and hope it’ll go viral. The problem is, there must be way too many lonely, hopelessly romantic women out there to let this disaster become some sort of reading reference. Every single woman I know has read this book and loved it, and every time I’ve had something to say against it they consistently refute it, as if I hadn’t understood the darn thing, when I think I got it a lot better than all of them did. For someone who reads as much as I do, I’m pretty certain my reading comprehension level exceeds that of all of them, who have probably only read this one book this year because this sorry excuse for writing was published. 

It’s a sad day when you realize that issues such as abuse and pedophilia are being ignored for the sake of romance. I truly never thought that one stupid book could do such damage. And I don’t think I’m being dramatic here. When people start ignoring important things because they’d rather look the other way, they are accepting them by default. And shame on Ms. James. Instead of writing about a strong, independent heroine other women could look up to, she’s debased us all by serving up a spineless, immature weakling that can’t stand up for herself and puts up with unimaginable situations for the sake of a guy, who in turn, doesn’t even love her.

Writers who get lucky enough to be published have the incredible power of reaching other people’s minds and speaking to them through their characters. I believe they should take that responsibility and privilege more seriously and try to contribute instead of punching us in the face with their own sexual fantasies.

I wonder if Ms. James has daughters, and if she does, I seriously hope they are as disgusted with her as I am.



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  • Carrie Rubin: I don't always remember names well, but I remember circumstances. I especially remembered yours because it's such a rare cancer, and you were the firs
  • iamtheinvisiblehand: Thank you for your kind words, but also thank you for remembering it was me....it's amazing that you'd remember this considering the endless stream of
  • Carrie Rubin: I am so sorry to hear about your mother. After you commented on my blog yesterday, I remembered that your mother was the one who had cholangiocarcinom

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