iamtheinvisiblehand

Archive for January 2013

My mother has finally finished her preliminary 4 rounds of chemotherapy. There is now a 3-week wait before a full battery of tests is made to see if and how much the treatment has helped. And then, all the decisions that have to be made will be made.

I hadn’t realized just how scared and stressed out I’ve been over this until this week. I was flipping channels when I found the movie “My Girl”. I’d already seen it when it was originally released and I remembered I cried. That was the time when I’d go to see just any movie. I became more selective when my daughter was born not only because of the obvious time constraints, but also because I decided that life already provided enough drama every now and then, so why pay to see something sad on my already limited outings.

Under normal conditions, I would’ve kept on flipping or just switched off to read a book (it’s currently Ken Follett’s “A Dangerous Fortune”), and yet I just stopped and forced myself to watch the whole thing. Obviously, when the time came I cried, only this time it wasn’t just a few scattered tears, no. This time it was bawling until I had no more tears left. I felt a little like Emma Thompson’s Elinor Dashwood when she learns that Edward is not married – everything she had kept inside for so long just came gushing out, uncontrolled, something like a dam suddenly bursting and flooding everything around it.  Me being so pale, the just-cried puffy eyes and reddened nose finally cleared after a couple of hours, leaving me to wake up this morning with swollen eyelids as a souvenir of the previous day. But also, I felt incredibly relieved.

The thing is, it helped me realized that ever since my mother’s diagnosis I hadn’t found the time or the strength to admit my fear and anxiety, nor was I willing to do so either. I buried myself in my work so I would never have time to think about it, and just avoided anything that would make me feel upset. And while crying is supposed to be a healthy manifestation of our feelings, when other people need your support or you need to convince yourself that things are going to be alright, crying becomes the affirmation to the contrary: it means that things probably aren’t going the way they should and in all likelihood it’s not going to be ok. And now that I know that I had all this buried deep down inside, I’ve come to terms with the fact that regardless of the tests results, life will never be the same.

I mean, if all goes well, then I’ll probably adopt a new take on life and be more optimistic, which is fine, although in my case it’ll probably be temporary; if it doesn’t, well, no matter what my relationship my mother is like, seeing your own mother deteriorate and eventually let go of this world has to be one of life’s hardest trials.  

Seeing her, a rather tall and large woman shrivel into a helpless old lady has already been tough enough. She’s lost over 30 lbs. since October when the chemo started and rarely eats, goes out or does anything anymore. I know there’s a depression component there that worsens it all but still, there’s only so much the rest of us can do to improve her situation. My mother will have to fight this battle alone and if she doesn’t find the strength to kick the cancer, no one else can do it for her.

Having said all this, I’m glad I had the chance to cry it out and acknowledge everything that’s happening. I know that difficult times are just around the corner and that I’ll probably have to allow myself to cry every once in a while if I don’t want to have another breakdown.

Busy as I’ve been, I only just saw that People magazine declared Channing Tatum as the Sexiest man Alive for 2012.

PLOP!

THAT guy is the sexiest man alive?

OK, I know that looks are a matter of personal taste but really, HE IS IT?

I also know that George Clooney and Brad Pitt can’t be on the cover every other year and should be named Honorary Members or something like that (Denzel Washington and Bradley Cooper could also be part of the club), but seriously, I think PEOPLE could’ve chosen better.  And I’m not saying that Tatum doesn’t have the looks, I’m just saying he’s not all that. Maybe he was also chosen because he’s become so popular and well-known. If that were the case, other guys could have made the list as well, although I must confess that I haven’t seen the full list so I don’t really know if the guys I’m going to mention were already included.

 Where is Jim Caviezel? He may not be IT, but he looks pretty darn sexy in Person of Interest. I guess he would have been one of my picks for the cover, because frankly, I think the guy is just perfect.

Was Johnny Depp in there? Don’t know, but he definitely should be.

I think Chris Hemsworth (Thor) was included, but I rather prefer his brother Liam (The Hunger Games).

Jay Ryan (Beauty & The Beast) could’ve also made the list. I mean, a tv show that has to thank the looks of their main characters for its ratings and not really the plot says a lot. 

Italian soccer player Paolo Maldini could’ve been a model. Luckily, he chose soccer, so tv exposure was greater and I got to see him quite often. The fact that he was an excellent player and completely devoted to his family always made him irresistible to me. He’s retired now, but he could’ve made the cover of any fashion magazine had he wanted to. Check him out, you’ll see what I mean.

Ian Somerhalder, Patrick Dempsey, Matt Bomer, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Matthew McConaughey, Ryan Gosling, Eion Bailey, Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant, Matthew Goode, Stephen Amell, Richard Armitage, Colin Firth, Gerard Butler, Jude Law, Christian Bale, Gary Oldman,Ewan McGregor, Dominic Purcell, Rob Lowe, Edward Burns, Chris Zylka, Mathew Lewis (Neville Longbottom – all grown and gorgeous), Oded Fehr, Sendil Ramamurthy, Hayden Christensen, Paul Walker, Colin Farrell,  Sean Faris, Eric Bana all look pretty good to me as well.

Leonardo DiCaprio is definitely one of my favorite. He brushed past me in Paris in the spring of ’97. I was leaving a bar called Barfly while he was trying to get in. Titanic had not been released yet and he was in France shooting The Man with the Iron Mask. And even though I don’t particularly like blondes, I can tell you that the guy is flawless, and what’s worse: he looks hotter with each passing day. I’d definitely say he looks better now than he did then, as it seems that the whole maturing process only makes him look more interesting. That, and the fact that he has proven to be a first-class actor should’ve made him a strong candidate for sexiest man for 2012. Maybe People magazine took a leaf out of the Academy’s book and decided to ignore him despite him having proven over and over that he truly is all that.

There are guys like Damian Lewis who I don’t particularly like, but I can see why others would.

And there are guys who are so popular and make people swoon all over the place and yet I can’t see what it is everyone else is seeing. That would be the case of Ashton Kutcher, Usher, Justin Timberlake, Robert Downey Jr. and Jon Hamm. And Channing Tatum. Seriously, I don’t get it.

People magazine need to do better this year, because there are so many good candidates out there it’s a shame they’re left out and leave us wondering when the hell the definition of sexy changed.



  • None
  • Carrie Rubin: I don't always remember names well, but I remember circumstances. I especially remembered yours because it's such a rare cancer, and you were the firs
  • iamtheinvisiblehand: Thank you for your kind words, but also thank you for remembering it was me....it's amazing that you'd remember this considering the endless stream of
  • Carrie Rubin: I am so sorry to hear about your mother. After you commented on my blog yesterday, I remembered that your mother was the one who had cholangiocarcinom

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